When I was first starting on my path, I was searching for a matron goddess. I had really wanted the Celtic Pantheon, but my connection seemed to lean Greek. I had felt a strong pull towards Aphrodite, but I kind of resisted I think. I don't even understand why. I went with Athena, whom I also felt pulled to. Perhaps I chose her because of the wisdom aspect. That connection lasted a little bit, but I found myself searching Celtic again. For a short time, I found a connection with Brigid. I was happy. But alas, that went away as well. My life has been somewhat...chaotic. I've dealt with a lot. I think I was trying to have some control. Grasping. It's very hard for me to just let go, and let my path lead me. I basically stopped doing much on my path for awhile. Aphrodite seemed to pop up for me a couple times, but I really wasn't focused on my path.
Now, I'm trying to reconnected to my path, and the pull has returned. I'm trying very hard to let it lead me. Go with what I feel, and not want. I'd been feeling interested in the Norse, so I found myself searching through that pantheon. I found my way back to Aphrodite.
I did some meditating, doing my best to focus on her. (I'm terrible at meditation, but I did my best) I felt...well, almost like the feeling of a hug? I actually managed to relax more than usual as well. After that, I did some Tarot. Basically the cards kept telling me that while I've struggled, I'm finding my way back to my path, and I seem to be going in the right direction...just be weary so I don't fall down again. I came out feeling like I'm right that Aphrodite has been reaching out to me.
So, I'm going with it. It feels right so I'm going to work on connecting more with Aphrodite. She seems very determined. Hopefully it's one step closer to the peace and balance I'm searching for on my journey.
Many blessings all!
21 March 2015
15 March 2015
Continuing My Journey
I really am terrible with blogging. lol It's been nearly a year again. I'm still trying to heal. I've been home since July of last year. My bf and I are going strong, in our own place. I feel like there's just been so much weighing me down. My anxiety and depression have been up. I'm hoping to deal with it naturally. It's a struggle but I've done better before, I know I can again. I also haven't really done much with spiritual healing. I'm still sorting out just what I believe. There are a few basic things I know I believe. My pagan path is a constant learning experience, which I like. I'm just hoping to figure out some balance. I'm hoping to feel some peace. The loss of my sister has really thrown me. I still have trouble processing that she's gone. I'm revisiting some sites just to connect with people with similar beliefs. No one in my family, except my bf know that I'm Pagan. They assume I'm still Christian. Which I think adds to some difficulty, not being able to discuss how I feel about what comes next. I'm really hoping I don't let myself fall apart again. I really want to heal. It's a long road...
Brightest Blessings!
Brightest Blessings!
27 March 2014
Loss & Healing
Well, it's been over a year since I lasted posted. I meant to post last year. But life got complicated. And well, the fact that I'm functioning proves I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. My last post I talked about a healing journey. I really didn't heal much this past year, if anything it got worse. But the healing I have ahead of me I need more than ever.
For starters, February 2013, I came down to visit my mother while things got sorted out for my s/o and I getting our own place finally. I'm still here visiting. It was not meant to be this long. S/o & I are fine. But a number of circumstances has made finding a place difficult. We've seen each other, but it's getting hard. We had money saved up. But then almost 6 months ago, tragedy happened. I lost my oldest sister. It's a constant struggle. We had to use our savings. Extra time with family has been good, however I'm definitely ready to go home. Things are looking up though. We're just waiting on a couple things...and so it should be soon.
As hard as this last year has been, I'm trying to focus on good things. If I hadn't been down here with my mother, I wouldn't have got to spend time with my sister this past summer. Something I am so grateful for now. It's like I needed to be here.
One thing for sure, I really need to heal. I feel stuck. I've been through loss before, but this was so sudden and unexpected. It can really make you think. I know I need to live a better life. My sister had some struggles, but she will never have a chance to get better. I know I need to do better for her. For me. For my family. I'm rather limited on what I can really do right now. So I'm focusing on my health. All my stress, depression, and anxiety are weighing down on me. I've started exercising and I'm trying to eat better. I figure it's a start.
Brightest blessings to all
Thistle
For starters, February 2013, I came down to visit my mother while things got sorted out for my s/o and I getting our own place finally. I'm still here visiting. It was not meant to be this long. S/o & I are fine. But a number of circumstances has made finding a place difficult. We've seen each other, but it's getting hard. We had money saved up. But then almost 6 months ago, tragedy happened. I lost my oldest sister. It's a constant struggle. We had to use our savings. Extra time with family has been good, however I'm definitely ready to go home. Things are looking up though. We're just waiting on a couple things...and so it should be soon.
As hard as this last year has been, I'm trying to focus on good things. If I hadn't been down here with my mother, I wouldn't have got to spend time with my sister this past summer. Something I am so grateful for now. It's like I needed to be here.
One thing for sure, I really need to heal. I feel stuck. I've been through loss before, but this was so sudden and unexpected. It can really make you think. I know I need to live a better life. My sister had some struggles, but she will never have a chance to get better. I know I need to do better for her. For me. For my family. I'm rather limited on what I can really do right now. So I'm focusing on my health. All my stress, depression, and anxiety are weighing down on me. I've started exercising and I'm trying to eat better. I figure it's a start.
Brightest blessings to all
Thistle
23 December 2012
A Healing Journey
With the end of 2012 fast approaching, I have been doing some thinking. I'm just not happy. I mean, in some ways yes...I am happy. It's more just...me. I was looking in a full mirror the other day and I realized, I don't look so great. I'm really skinny. I already knew I was currently underweight but it just hit looking at myself. I look a bit tired too. On top of all that...I don't feel great either. I've been struggling so much with my depression and anxiety that I've really fallen a bit health wise. Some people eat a lot when they get depressed...I hardly eat. I already struggle with keeping weight on. I've had friends be jealous of me in the past because I don't have a problem with weight gain...and as one of them has found out recently, being skinny isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be. I might be small, but I am not healthy. I've been trying to eat more, but that's just a start. I need to eat healthier too. Healthy for me. I need to exercise because I am so completely out of shape, that alone depresses me. I used to dance...I got a ballet work out video. I'll just say I completely took dance for granted. I never realize just how far out of shape I got. My entire body ached for days. I decided I probably should start smaller.
Being healthy isn't just about the body. I need to work on healing my mind and spirit as well. I wish I read more. I've always been a total bookworm but I can barely focus on anything. My lack of focus just seems to get worse. It concerns me with my wanting to go back to school. That's part of my healing journey. I'm 27 but I don't really do anything except hide away from the world. Depression and anxiety can do that to a person. I haven't always been this way. It being this bad is a more recent thing. I'm going to do what I can to further my mind. Expand it. Exercise it. Actually use it. At least that's my plan. Hopefully it goes well. Getting out and getting healthy should help my mental health as well.
As for my spirit....well I imagine there are a few things dealing with that. It's not just my beliefs I really need to work on. Establish a bit more, and bring it into my daily life. I need to do something that makes me feel better about myself....like I'm doing some good. I think it's important for people to do what they can. I definitely need a hobby or two as well. Or at least work on the ones I do have that I just sort of keep tossing aside.
Well...This post is basically a jumble of words and thoughts. That's kind of how my mind is though. A jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings. I don't like to think of this as resolution...because that's sort of asking to be broken. But it's my goal that by 2014 I'm a much healthier, happier person.
Blessed be my dear friends.
~Thistle
Being healthy isn't just about the body. I need to work on healing my mind and spirit as well. I wish I read more. I've always been a total bookworm but I can barely focus on anything. My lack of focus just seems to get worse. It concerns me with my wanting to go back to school. That's part of my healing journey. I'm 27 but I don't really do anything except hide away from the world. Depression and anxiety can do that to a person. I haven't always been this way. It being this bad is a more recent thing. I'm going to do what I can to further my mind. Expand it. Exercise it. Actually use it. At least that's my plan. Hopefully it goes well. Getting out and getting healthy should help my mental health as well.
As for my spirit....well I imagine there are a few things dealing with that. It's not just my beliefs I really need to work on. Establish a bit more, and bring it into my daily life. I need to do something that makes me feel better about myself....like I'm doing some good. I think it's important for people to do what they can. I definitely need a hobby or two as well. Or at least work on the ones I do have that I just sort of keep tossing aside.
Well...This post is basically a jumble of words and thoughts. That's kind of how my mind is though. A jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings. I don't like to think of this as resolution...because that's sort of asking to be broken. But it's my goal that by 2014 I'm a much healthier, happier person.
Blessed be my dear friends.
~Thistle
12 December 2012
Blessed Yule
Well....again I am a slacker. Though please forgive as I do have much on my mind lately and this blog keeps moving toward the back of it. Some dusty corner to be forgotten about.
It's a cold, rainy time of year here in the Pacific Northwest so I'm doing my best to stay warm. I've connected a little more with Brigid. She lets me know she is there.
I'm not sure I'll have much going on for the Solstice this year. I'm kind of bummed I don't get to go be with my family for Christmas. I haven't seen them in over a year. But trying to make the best of things. I'm with my wonderful boyfriend and his family. His dad is trying to get an 'End of the World' party going for the 21st. :) We don't actually believe it...it's more of a joke and a reason to splurge some and make ribs. lol I find it amusing. :)
That's my quick update. I'm going to TRY to put together another post....on something. But for now I hope everyone out there has a wonderful holiday season. Happy Solstice :)
Blessed Be
Thistle
It's a cold, rainy time of year here in the Pacific Northwest so I'm doing my best to stay warm. I've connected a little more with Brigid. She lets me know she is there.
I'm not sure I'll have much going on for the Solstice this year. I'm kind of bummed I don't get to go be with my family for Christmas. I haven't seen them in over a year. But trying to make the best of things. I'm with my wonderful boyfriend and his family. His dad is trying to get an 'End of the World' party going for the 21st. :) We don't actually believe it...it's more of a joke and a reason to splurge some and make ribs. lol I find it amusing. :)
That's my quick update. I'm going to TRY to put together another post....on something. But for now I hope everyone out there has a wonderful holiday season. Happy Solstice :)
Blessed Be
Thistle
05 October 2012
Samhain Season
Wow. I can't believe it's already October. I've been so distracted...I even spaced on Mabon! I hope everyone had a wonderful Autumn Equinox.
Well, with the living situation I've been stuck with doing much of anything in relation to my beliefs is tough. But starting with Samhain I'm going to try to do more. I got a couple things today...some candles and a mini pumpkin. I'm going to figure out an altar of sorts. It won't be much but I'm going to try!
I'm also trying to figure out a few crafts to do. Easy, simple crafts. We'll see how that goes. Well I will try to post again soon...I've been pretty off balance and sometimes posting about something helps.
Brightest Blessings to all!
~Thistle
Well, with the living situation I've been stuck with doing much of anything in relation to my beliefs is tough. But starting with Samhain I'm going to try to do more. I got a couple things today...some candles and a mini pumpkin. I'm going to figure out an altar of sorts. It won't be much but I'm going to try!
I'm also trying to figure out a few crafts to do. Easy, simple crafts. We'll see how that goes. Well I will try to post again soon...I've been pretty off balance and sometimes posting about something helps.
Brightest Blessings to all!
~Thistle
26 June 2012
Having Pride in Your Beliefs, Without Shouting About It
I haven't been on this path for very long. Just a bit over a year. I'd still be considered in the broom closet as well. Things are tad complicated right now and 'coming out' to my family would just cause more harm that good. Plus, I'm still sorting out my beliefs and my path. I want to have a more solid grasp, and be living it day to day. I do not see this as hiding who I am. I am not trying to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm just not shouting about what I believe, and I don't think it's necessary. Spirituality is a very personal thing. And I've struggled with it a lot.
I grew up Christian. My mother was not a churchgoer, but a believer just the same. Though taught me to respect other people's beliefs. I attended church with my Stepmother when visiting my Dad. The LDS church. I had belief in God, but hated going. I maintained I was not Mormon and should not be forced to go. But it gave me respect for the religion. I stopped going in my early teens, but returned with my best friend shortly after my grandmother died. I was really close to her and I was struggling. I felt completely alone. There, I found solice. I ended up joining and it helped me pull myself together. I have no regrets. But because I didn't really believe, I tried extra hard to be a good member. I was very open about it. It also let to arguments with my mother. She was not supportive. When I wanted to get baptized, she told me it wasn't just my decision. I couldn't believe her. I love her dearly, but one's spiritual journey is very much their own choice. I eventually fell away from the church after a couple years because I finally accepted it wasn't for me. But I still don't regret it. It was a learning experience, and helped me through a difficult time.
But after that, though I kept doing my best to keep my faith; I started to really question things. I would push it into the back of my mind out of fear. Slowly they crept forward again. I realized, I didn't believe in the bible. I didn't like that this religion used fear. I don't want to follow something out of fear. I want to follow something because it feels right. I started thinking back over my life. I've always loved nature. I knew I believed in a higher power of sorts, but I always felt closer to that feeling outside. Growing up I could spend a long time just sitting in a tree. It was peaceful. The sound of the rain could always put me in a calm mood. Then I found Paganism. Finally, instead of trying to force myself into a belief system, here was one that suited what I already believed. I had been tempted to look into it before but fear held me back. I'm so very glad I finally took the step.
Now I'm on my evergrowing path. I love that you never stop learning. Fears sometimes seep their way back in but I manage to fizzle them out. I have also realized I don't have to go around shouting about what I believe. That it's okay to be quiet about it, as long as you are staying true to yourself. I have complete respect for those with other beliefs. If it makes you happy, and helps you to live your life better....then I am all for it. Even if I don't agree. I merely ask for the same in return if I happen to share what I believe.
I grew up Christian. My mother was not a churchgoer, but a believer just the same. Though taught me to respect other people's beliefs. I attended church with my Stepmother when visiting my Dad. The LDS church. I had belief in God, but hated going. I maintained I was not Mormon and should not be forced to go. But it gave me respect for the religion. I stopped going in my early teens, but returned with my best friend shortly after my grandmother died. I was really close to her and I was struggling. I felt completely alone. There, I found solice. I ended up joining and it helped me pull myself together. I have no regrets. But because I didn't really believe, I tried extra hard to be a good member. I was very open about it. It also let to arguments with my mother. She was not supportive. When I wanted to get baptized, she told me it wasn't just my decision. I couldn't believe her. I love her dearly, but one's spiritual journey is very much their own choice. I eventually fell away from the church after a couple years because I finally accepted it wasn't for me. But I still don't regret it. It was a learning experience, and helped me through a difficult time.
But after that, though I kept doing my best to keep my faith; I started to really question things. I would push it into the back of my mind out of fear. Slowly they crept forward again. I realized, I didn't believe in the bible. I didn't like that this religion used fear. I don't want to follow something out of fear. I want to follow something because it feels right. I started thinking back over my life. I've always loved nature. I knew I believed in a higher power of sorts, but I always felt closer to that feeling outside. Growing up I could spend a long time just sitting in a tree. It was peaceful. The sound of the rain could always put me in a calm mood. Then I found Paganism. Finally, instead of trying to force myself into a belief system, here was one that suited what I already believed. I had been tempted to look into it before but fear held me back. I'm so very glad I finally took the step.
Now I'm on my evergrowing path. I love that you never stop learning. Fears sometimes seep their way back in but I manage to fizzle them out. I have also realized I don't have to go around shouting about what I believe. That it's okay to be quiet about it, as long as you are staying true to yourself. I have complete respect for those with other beliefs. If it makes you happy, and helps you to live your life better....then I am all for it. Even if I don't agree. I merely ask for the same in return if I happen to share what I believe.
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