I haven't been on this path for very long. Just a bit over a year. I'd still be considered in the broom closet as well. Things are tad complicated right now and 'coming out' to my family would just cause more harm that good. Plus, I'm still sorting out my beliefs and my path. I want to have a more solid grasp, and be living it day to day. I do not see this as hiding who I am. I am not trying to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm just not shouting about what I believe, and I don't think it's necessary. Spirituality is a very personal thing. And I've struggled with it a lot.
I grew up Christian. My mother was not a churchgoer, but a believer just the same. Though taught me to respect other people's beliefs. I attended church with my Stepmother when visiting my Dad. The LDS church. I had belief in God, but hated going. I maintained I was not Mormon and should not be forced to go. But it gave me respect for the religion. I stopped going in my early teens, but returned with my best friend shortly after my grandmother died. I was really close to her and I was struggling. I felt completely alone. There, I found solice. I ended up joining and it helped me pull myself together. I have no regrets. But because I didn't really believe, I tried extra hard to be a good member. I was very open about it. It also let to arguments with my mother. She was not supportive. When I wanted to get baptized, she told me it wasn't just my decision. I couldn't believe her. I love her dearly, but one's spiritual journey is very much their own choice. I eventually fell away from the church after a couple years because I finally accepted it wasn't for me. But I still don't regret it. It was a learning experience, and helped me through a difficult time.
But after that, though I kept doing my best to keep my faith; I started to really question things. I would push it into the back of my mind out of fear. Slowly they crept forward again. I realized, I didn't believe in the bible. I didn't like that this religion used fear. I don't want to follow something out of fear. I want to follow something because it feels right. I started thinking back over my life. I've always loved nature. I knew I believed in a higher power of sorts, but I always felt closer to that feeling outside. Growing up I could spend a long time just sitting in a tree. It was peaceful. The sound of the rain could always put me in a calm mood. Then I found Paganism. Finally, instead of trying to force myself into a belief system, here was one that suited what I already believed. I had been tempted to look into it before but fear held me back. I'm so very glad I finally took the step.
Now I'm on my evergrowing path. I love that you never stop learning. Fears sometimes seep their way back in but I manage to fizzle them out. I have also realized I don't have to go around shouting about what I believe. That it's okay to be quiet about it, as long as you are staying true to yourself. I have complete respect for those with other beliefs. If it makes you happy, and helps you to live your life better....then I am all for it. Even if I don't agree. I merely ask for the same in return if I happen to share what I believe.
24 June 2012
Connecting with Brigid
I am very drawn to all things Celtic. It's why, though I'm fond of Athena, it was strange that she seemed to be the one I was connected to. But I'm open minded and I am interested in other things, I've just always been mainly drawn to Celtic things. So I was fine with it and have been doing well with Athena. Then I was reading my Celtic Myth & Magick book, and was browsing through the list of Goddesses, and when I came to Brig (that's the name she is listed under in the book) I got this very strong feeling, similar to what I had felt with Athena. I moved on...then it went away until I went back to Brig.
So I hopped online and summoned my friend who has helped a lot with this stuff. She suggested I look into connections between Athena and Brigid. Google it was. I discovered that Athena and Brigid are equated with each other. Next came trying to connect with her through mediation.
Well, I'm terrible at meditation. I lack the ability to focus and truly relax and clear my mind. But I do the best I can. I put on some pan flute Celtic music, lit some candles, turned out the light and reached out with my mind. Also I think with my shortcomings with relaxation, it makes communication harder overall. However, I do believe I managed okay. I'm quite certain I felt her presence. I do believe she may have reached out to me to help guide me on my path.
My friend suggested perhaps Athena was there to guide me to her. I still have more to go; I shall try communicating with her some more.
I do believe all deities are a part of one another....connected and part of everything. It may be Brigid is the part I need to help me through my journey. Though I will always have a place for Athena, whatever happens. I will be placing an Owl statue for her on my altar, once I get a proper one. ^^
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