A Healing Journey

With the end of 2012 fast approaching, I have been doing some thinking. I'm just not happy. I mean, in some ways yes...I am happy. It's more just...me. I was looking in a full mirror the other day and I realized, I don't look so great. I'm really skinny. I already knew I was currently underweight but it just hit looking at myself.  I look a bit tired too. On top of all that...I don't feel great either. I've been struggling so much with my depression and anxiety that I've really fallen a bit health wise. Some people eat a lot when they get depressed...I hardly eat. I already struggle with keeping weight on. I've had friends be jealous of me in the past because I don't have a problem with weight gain...and as one of them has found out recently, being skinny isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be.  I might be small, but I am not healthy. I've been trying to eat more, but that's just a start. I need to eat healthier too. Healthy for me. I need to exercise because I am so completely out of shape, that alone depresses me. I used to dance...I got a ballet work out video. I'll just say I completely took dance for granted. I never realize just how far out of shape I got. My entire body ached for days. I decided I probably should start smaller.

Being healthy isn't just about the body. I need to work on healing my mind and spirit as well. I wish I read more. I've always been a total bookworm but I can barely focus on anything. My lack of focus just seems to get worse. It concerns me with my wanting to go back to school. That's part of my healing journey. I'm 27 but I don't really do anything except hide away from the world. Depression and anxiety can do that to a person. I haven't always been this way. It being this bad is a more recent thing. I'm going to do what I can to further my mind. Expand it. Exercise it. Actually use it. At least that's my plan. Hopefully it goes well. Getting out and getting healthy should help my mental health as well.

As for my spirit....well I imagine there are a few things dealing with that. It's not just my beliefs I really need to work on. Establish a bit more, and bring it into my daily life. I need to do something that makes me feel better about myself....like I'm doing some good. I think it's important for people to do what they can. I definitely need a hobby or two as well. Or at least work on the ones I do have that I just sort of keep tossing aside.

Well...This post is basically a jumble of words and thoughts. That's kind of how my mind is though. A jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings. I don't like to think of this as  resolution...because that's sort of asking to be broken. But it's my goal that by 2014 I'm a much healthier, happier person.

Blessed be my dear friends.

~Thistle

Blessed Yule

Well....again I am a slacker. Though please forgive as I do have much on my mind lately and this blog keeps moving toward the back of it. Some dusty corner to be forgotten about.

It's a cold, rainy time of year here in the Pacific Northwest so I'm doing my best to stay warm. I've connected a little more with Brigid. She lets me know she is there.

I'm not sure I'll have much going on for the Solstice this year. I'm kind of bummed I don't get to go be with my family for Christmas. I haven't seen them in over a year. But trying to make the best of things. I'm with my wonderful boyfriend and his family. His dad is trying to get an 'End of the World' party going for the 21st. :) We don't actually believe it...it's more of a joke and a reason to splurge some and make ribs. lol I find it amusing. :)

That's my quick update. I'm going to TRY to put together another post....on something. But for now I hope everyone out there has a wonderful holiday season. Happy Solstice :)

Blessed Be

Thistle

Samhain Season

Wow. I can't believe it's already October. I've been so distracted...I even spaced on Mabon! I hope everyone had a wonderful Autumn Equinox.

Well, with the living situation I've been stuck with doing much of anything in relation to my beliefs is tough. But starting with Samhain I'm going to try to do more. I got a couple things today...some candles and a mini pumpkin. I'm going to figure out an altar of sorts. It won't be much but I'm going to try!

I'm also trying to figure out a few crafts to do. Easy, simple crafts. We'll see how that goes. Well I will try to post again soon...I've been pretty off balance and sometimes posting about something helps.

Brightest Blessings to all!

~Thistle

Having Pride in Your Beliefs, Without Shouting About It

I haven't been on this path for very long. Just a bit over a year. I'd still be considered in the broom closet as well. Things are tad complicated right now and 'coming out' to my family would just cause more harm that good. Plus, I'm still sorting out my beliefs and my path. I want to have a more solid grasp, and be living it day to day. I do not see this as hiding who I am. I am not trying to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm just not shouting about what I believe, and I don't think it's necessary. Spirituality is a very personal thing.  And I've struggled with it a lot.

I grew up Christian. My mother was not a churchgoer, but a believer just the same. Though taught me to respect other people's beliefs. I attended church with my Stepmother when visiting my Dad. The LDS church. I had belief in God, but hated going. I maintained I was not Mormon and should not be forced to go. But it gave me respect for the religion. I stopped going in my early teens, but returned with my best friend shortly after my grandmother died. I was really close to her and I was struggling. I felt completely alone. There, I found solice. I ended up joining and it helped me pull myself together. I have no regrets. But because I didn't really believe, I tried extra hard to be a good member. I was very open about it. It also let to arguments with my mother. She was not supportive. When I wanted to get baptized, she told me it wasn't just my decision. I couldn't believe her. I love her dearly, but one's spiritual journey is very much their own choice. I eventually fell away from the church after a couple years because I finally accepted it wasn't for me. But I still don't regret it. It was a learning experience, and helped me through a difficult time.

But after that, though I kept doing my best to keep my faith; I started to really question things. I would push it into the back of my mind out of fear. Slowly they crept forward again. I realized, I didn't believe in the bible. I didn't like that this religion used fear. I don't want to follow something out of fear. I want to follow something because it feels right. I started thinking back over my life. I've always loved nature. I knew I believed in a higher power of sorts, but I always felt closer to that feeling outside. Growing up I could spend a long time just sitting in a tree. It was peaceful. The sound of the rain could always put me in a calm mood. Then I found Paganism. Finally, instead of trying to force myself into a belief system, here was one that suited what I already believed. I had been tempted to look into it before but fear held me back. I'm so very glad I finally took the step.

Now I'm on my evergrowing path. I love that you never stop learning. Fears sometimes seep their way back in but I manage to fizzle them out. I have also realized I don't have to go around shouting about what I believe. That it's okay to be quiet about it, as long as you are staying true to yourself. I have complete respect for those with other beliefs. If it makes you happy, and helps you to live your life better....then I am all for it. Even if I don't agree. I merely ask for the same in return if I happen to share what I believe.

Connecting with Brigid

I am very drawn to all things Celtic. It's why, though I'm fond of Athena, it was strange that she seemed to be the one I was connected to. But I'm open minded and I am interested in other things, I've just always been mainly drawn to Celtic things. So I was fine with it and have been doing well with Athena. Then I was reading my Celtic Myth & Magick book, and was browsing through the list of Goddesses, and when I came to Brig (that's the name she is listed under in the book) I got this very strong feeling, similar to what I had felt with Athena. I moved on...then it went away until I went back to Brig.

So I hopped online and summoned my friend who has helped a lot with this stuff. She suggested I look into connections between Athena and Brigid. Google it was. I discovered that Athena and Brigid are equated with each other. Next came trying to connect with her through mediation.

Well, I'm terrible at meditation. I lack the ability to focus and truly relax and clear my mind. But I do the best I can. I put on some pan flute Celtic music, lit some candles, turned out the light and reached out with my mind. Also I think with my shortcomings with relaxation, it makes communication harder overall. However, I do believe I managed okay. I'm quite certain I felt her presence. I do believe she may have reached out to me to help guide me on my path.

My friend suggested perhaps Athena was there to guide me to her. I still have more to go; I shall try communicating with her some more.

I do believe all deities are a part of one another....connected and part of everything. It may be Brigid is the part I need to help me through my journey. Though I will always have a place for Athena, whatever happens. I will be placing an Owl statue for her on my altar, once I get a proper one. ^^

Alas, Life.

Well, I've pretty much known for awhile I'm terrible blogger. Though to be fair I haven't really had much to post and have had some things going on. Life. Oi.

I haven't really been able to focus too much on my beliefs and sorting thoughts out. I bought a couple of books but have yet to get through them. I haven't even bothered much with tarot, though I should probably give myself a reading here soon.

It honestly feels like if it's not one thing, it's another. Every time things start looking up, something else happens. I'm really struggling to stay positive. I've always been rather good at staying hopeful for the future, but lately it's taking too much energy. My anxiety seems to be worse, I'm having more 'down' days where I'd rather just stay in bed. The s/o is having back problems, believed to be a bulging disc. He had one a few years ago. It doesn't seem to be doing better, and I think he goes in tomorrow for an x-ray and hopefully that gets figured out. I hate seeing him in pain. I realize this is an extremely negative post. But I needed an outlet as I'm trying to avoid falling apart as things are starting to weigh down on me. I shall do a second, bit more postive post to try and make up for it. ^^ I'll just keep looking for that small beacon of light to give renforce my hope for the future while I continue to live my life best I can.

Confused & Unbalanced

As I near my one year mark on this path I have chosen, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have felt very unbalanced as of late, and have been trying to figure out why. I decided to go back and read some beginning posts from the site I initially joined. My original plan had been to be a Christian Witch. (I realize that it's rather controversial whether or not that is actually possible, but I'm inclined to believe that yes, it is.) It didn't really take me that long to sorta just jump in rather quickly into calling myself an eclectic pagan and trying to follow what I liked. I feel like I stopped really thinking about any of it. Perhaps I got a little caught up in the excitement of being a witch, in a way? I don't know. but my initial, pure reasoning seemed to get tainted. I got warned I shouldn't be so quick to label myself, and I never felt like I was since pagan is such a broad term. But I'm starting to think I was wrong.

Perhaps it's everything that's been going on in my life. But I do feel like I should spend some time rethinking different things. It's hard because the decision to start on the path was the right one, I know. I felt so at peace with nature. I do feel that a divine being exists everywhere, in everything. I don't believe in the bible. I like some of the scriptures, sure but in the way I like stories. I feel like I've always had morals. I do love tarot. In fact, I did do a tarot reading and well I am unbalance in my beliefs. So I will now be spending my second year reevaluating. Only this time I plan do it right. No rushing. ^^

Using Playing Cards for Tarot

For those of you who are unable to get a pack of tarot cards, but would like to try that form of divination you can using just a regular pack of playing cards. I thought it would be useful to share how to do it. There are many factors to consider when reading cards, but this will at least give you a start. Like the minor arcana cards in a tarot deck, there are four suits, each representing an element. Hearts-Water, Spades-Fire, Diamonds-Earth, Clubs-Air.

The meanings:
Ace of Hearts Love and happiness. The home, a love letter. This card is a particularly favorable card that indicates troubles and problems lifting.
King of Hearts A fair-haired man with a good nature; or a man with Water signs predominating in his chart. Fair, helpful advice. Affectionate, caring man. This man helps you out without much talk. His actions reveal his kindness and concern.
Queen of Hearts A fair-haired woman with a good nature; or a woman with Water signs predominating in her chart. Kind advice. Affectionate, caring woman. Sometimes, this card can indicate the mother or a mother figure.
Jack of Hearts A warm-hearted friend. A fair-haired youth; or a young person with Water signs predominating in his or her chart. Often this points to a younger admirer.
10 of Hearts Good luck, success. This is an important card that suggests good fortune after difficulty.
9 of Hearts The card of wishes. A wish/dream fulfilled. Look to the card just preceding this one to determine what the querent desires.
8 of Hearts Unexpected gift or visit; an invitation to a party.
7 of Hearts Someone whose interest in you is unreliable; someone with fickle affections for you. This card can indicate lovesickness.
6 of Hearts A sudden wave of good luck. Someone takes care of you, takes warm interest in you.
5 of Hearts Jealousy; some ill-will from people around you.
4 of Hearts Travel, change of home or business.
3 of Hearts Love and happiness when the entire spread is generally favorable. In a difficult spread, this can indicate emotional problems and an inability to decide who to love.
2 of Hearts A warm partnership or engagement. This is a very favorable card that indicates strength and support coming from a partner.


Ace of Clubs Wealth, prosperity, unexpected money/gain. However, in a difficult spread, this money may disappear almost as quickly as it appears.
King of Clubs Dark-haired, kind-hearted man; or a man with Fire predominating in his chart. A generous, spirited man.
Queen of Clubs Dark-haired, confident woman; or a woman with Fire predominating in her chart. She may give you good advice.
Jack of Clubs A dark-haired or fiery youth. Popular youth who is good-hearted and playful. Can also indicate an admirer.
10 of Clubs Business success. Good luck with money. A trip taken now may result in a new friend or love interest.
9 of Clubs Achievement; sometimes a wealthy marriage or a sudden windfall.
8 of Clubs Work/business problems that may have to do with jealousy. This is generally thought to be quite unfavorable.
7 of Clubs Businesssuccess, although there may be problems with the opposite sex. A change in business that may have been expected or earned, such as a promotion.
6 of Clubs Financial aid or success.
5 of Clubs New friendships, alliances are made.
4 of Clubs Beware of dishonesty or deceit; avoid blind acceptance of others at this time.
3 of Clubs Love and happiness; successful marriage; a favorable long-term proposition. A second chance, particularly in an economical sense.
2 of Clubs Obstacles to success; malicious gossip.

Ace of Spades Misfortune; sometimes associated with death or, more often, a difficult ending.
King of Spades Dark-haired man; or a man with Air predominating in his chart. An ambitious man, perhaps self-serving.
Queen of Spades Widowed or divorced woman; or a woman with Air predominating in her chart.
Jack of Spades A youth who is hostile or jealous.
10 of Spades Worry; bad news.
9 of Spades Illness, accident, bad luck. The querent is at his/her personal low.
8 of Spades Temptation, misfortune, danger, upsets.
7 of Spades Advice that is best not taken; loss. There is some obstacle to success, and this indicates that obstacles may be coming from within the querent.
6 of Spades Small changes and improvements.
5 of Spades Opposition and obstacles that are temporary; a blessing in disguise. Sometimes indicates a negative or depressed person.
4 of Spades Small worries, problems. Financial difficulties, personal lows.
3 of Spades Breaks in relationships. Sometimes indicates that a third person is breaking into a relationship somehow.
2 of Spades Breaks in relationships; deceit. A break in an important process in the querent's life. If the question concerns a particular romantic interest, this is considered a warning card - infidelity or separation is quite likely.

Ace of Diamonds Change; a message, often about money, and usually good news.
King of Diamonds Fair-haired or graying man, or a man with Earth predominating in his chart. A man of authority, status, or influence.
Queen of Diamonds Fair-haired woman; or a woman with Earth predominating in her chart. A gossip.
Jack of Diamonds A youth, possibly in uniform. Or, a jealous person who may be unreliable. A person who brings news, generally negative, but relatively minor.
10 of Diamonds A change in financial status, often for the better.
9 of Diamonds A new business deal; travel; restlessness; a change of residence.
8 of Diamonds New job; change in job situation. The young or the old may find love on a trip.
7 of Diamonds An argument concerning finances, or on the job. Generally expected to be resolved happily.
6 of Diamonds Relationship problems, arguments. Separation.
5 of Diamonds Happiness and success. A change for the better. A birth, or good news for a child. A good time to start new projects.
4 of Diamonds Financial upswing; an older person may give good advice.
3 of Diamonds A legal letter. Be tactful with others in order to avoid disputes.
2 of Diamonds A business partnership; a change in relationship; gossip.
Source: http://cafeastrology.com/fortunetellingcards.html

It's in the Cards: Tarot

When I decided to start learning a kind of divination, I had planned on starting with runes, because I wanted to make some. Before I got around to that, however, my wonderful bf bought me the tarot deck I wanted. yay. It's still the only form of divination I've tried so far, but I love it. I love my deck! (picture above is mine, of my deck) It's the Shadowscape Tarot deck. The images are beautiful & I admire them every time I do a reading.

My readings so far have been pretty accurate though I'm still learning. I usually do a 3 card spread - Past, Present, & Future. I shuffle the cards, then have the reader cut them (if possible...I've mostly done readings for people at a distance). There are multiple ways to do a reading, & this is just mine.

Tarot decks can pricey, and some people are just unable to aquire a deck. If your in this situation, it is possible to use regular playing cards until you can get a deck.

Happy Reading ^^

Beliefs

One of the great things about being pagan, is it's basically accepted...and expected that two pagans won't have the exact same set of beliefs. Your always growing, always learning on your path. I'm still working out my beliefs myself. I'm very drawn to the celtic ways, though I seem to have a connection with Athena. Of course, when it comes to Gods & Goddesses, I also believe that they are all part of one, and that one is everywhere & in everything.

I feel at peace when I'm outside. It's something I've always felt, even before I was Pagan. Back when I was trying to be a good Christian, I felt closer to the divine outside. I take that as a sign I was always pagan, I just need to find my way.

I don't really do much in the way of spellwork, though I like doing rituals. I light candles for things a lot. For me, finding thats path was more for spiritual reasons than anything. I really needed to find something that suited what I believed already....not try to fit my beliefs to something already set.

I think that's good for now, though I'm sure to talk about beliefs again. ^^