I haven't been on this path for very long. Just a bit over a year. I'd still be considered in the broom closet as well. Things are tad complicated right now and 'coming out' to my family would just cause more harm that good. Plus, I'm still sorting out my beliefs and my path. I want to have a more solid grasp, and be living it day to day. I do not see this as hiding who I am. I am not trying to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm just not shouting about what I believe, and I don't think it's necessary. Spirituality is a very personal thing. And I've struggled with it a lot.
I grew up Christian. My mother was not a churchgoer, but a believer just the same. Though taught me to respect other people's beliefs. I attended church with my Stepmother when visiting my Dad. The LDS church. I had belief in God, but hated going. I maintained I was not Mormon and should not be forced to go. But it gave me respect for the religion. I stopped going in my early teens, but returned with my best friend shortly after my grandmother died. I was really close to her and I was struggling. I felt completely alone. There, I found solice. I ended up joining and it helped me pull myself together. I have no regrets. But because I didn't really believe, I tried extra hard to be a good member. I was very open about it. It also let to arguments with my mother. She was not supportive. When I wanted to get baptized, she told me it wasn't just my decision. I couldn't believe her. I love her dearly, but one's spiritual journey is very much their own choice. I eventually fell away from the church after a couple years because I finally accepted it wasn't for me. But I still don't regret it. It was a learning experience, and helped me through a difficult time.
But after that, though I kept doing my best to keep my faith; I started to really question things. I would push it into the back of my mind out of fear. Slowly they crept forward again. I realized, I didn't believe in the bible. I didn't like that this religion used fear. I don't want to follow something out of fear. I want to follow something because it feels right. I started thinking back over my life. I've always loved nature. I knew I believed in a higher power of sorts, but I always felt closer to that feeling outside. Growing up I could spend a long time just sitting in a tree. It was peaceful. The sound of the rain could always put me in a calm mood. Then I found Paganism. Finally, instead of trying to force myself into a belief system, here was one that suited what I already believed. I had been tempted to look into it before but fear held me back. I'm so very glad I finally took the step.
Now I'm on my evergrowing path. I love that you never stop learning. Fears sometimes seep their way back in but I manage to fizzle them out. I have also realized I don't have to go around shouting about what I believe. That it's okay to be quiet about it, as long as you are staying true to yourself. I have complete respect for those with other beliefs. If it makes you happy, and helps you to live your life better....then I am all for it. Even if I don't agree. I merely ask for the same in return if I happen to share what I believe.
I agree that faith is very personal and I sometimes isn't necessary to ever come out to everyone. I've been on a pagan path, though its changed and morphed, for 15 years now. Wow half my life. I have spoken with my father about it. All it would do is cause strife and hardship for no reason. I would never expect him to participate in my faith nor would his approval make a difference and I know he wouldn't approve. I did tell my mother early on who has always been supportive.
ReplyDeleteWell wishes on your journey and where your path takes you.
I have a blog of my own at www.treegoldandbeegold.com